I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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