I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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