Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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