So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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