I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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