so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
