btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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