I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
