So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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