my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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