I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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