sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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