A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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