in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
