I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
