I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
