haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
