u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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