Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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