Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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