If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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