I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
