Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
