You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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