In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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