I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
