We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
