remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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