if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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