Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
