Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
