I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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