just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
