Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Randomize
