I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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