Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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