I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
