You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
