If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
