You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
