She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
