I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
