you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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