I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude i'm inner monologue high
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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