if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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