My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just want to make out with him forever
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
