Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
