My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
