You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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