I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
