New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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