Need sex. Gaining weight.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
